Daily prayer instead of daily binge

For many years, I suffered with bulimia.

The binging and purging started gradually when I was in high school and continued into my early adulthood. I would eat and eat—junk food or anything that was pre-packaged and quick—and then I'd make myself throw up.

When I was 27 I moved across country. That’s when my behavior became really obsessive. I was teaching school at the time, working long hours in the classroom and going home to eat my worries away and then purge. I purposely avoided close friendships, and the guy I was casually dating knew nothing about this part of my life. I also tried to keep it from my family back home.

This daily cycle continued until one morning when I had a sobering experience. I found myself sifting through mounds of trash from the previous night's episode—candy wrappers, empty chip bags, pizza boxes—looking for my credit card. My boyfriend had dropped by unexpectedly the night before, and I’d misplaced the card as I stashed the evidence.

I found the credit card in an empty pint of ice cream. As I stared at the mess I'd made, I burst into tears. I reached out to God in prayer, which was the only way I’d felt safe and cared for in the past.

I thought, I don’t care how much I hate myself, God—this is no way to live.

And then the divine thought came, You are my loved daughter.

I laughed at this. Who’s God kidding? I’m a mess!

But the thought persisted. You are loved and I am pleased with you.

As a lifelong reader of Science and Health by Mary Baker Eddy, I have always thought of God as Love—not as a harsh, judgmental God, but as unconditional Love. I was tired of judging myself, and the idea that God regarded me only with love gave me a glimmer of hope.

This passage from Science and Health sums up my feelings: "The poor suffering heart needs its rightful nutriment, such as peace, patience in tribulation, and a priceless sense of the dear Father's loving-kindness." I felt God’s love in a new way. For the first time in years, I realized change was possible.

I’d love to say I was completely free from that day on, but I wasn’t. When something in my life triggered a reaction—anger, loneliness, being out of control—I would fall back into my old habits. But that day of prayer marked the beginning of a turnaround. My bouts with binging became less and less frequent.

What strengthened my resolve on a daily basis was becoming conscious of every thought I had, especially about myself. And every time some thought threatened to bring me down—your life's a waste, you're a failure—I realized this degrading inner dialog just didn’t have the power I once gave it because it didn’t originate with God. I was much stronger, knowing I was loved by my divine Parent; that Love was guiding me in all my thoughts and actions.

Eventually, as I replaced self-hatred with love—from a spiritual basis—the binging lost its foothold in my life. A few months after my resolve to pray, I no longer binged at all.

Today, three years later, I eat normally and have a healthy self-image. I feel satisfied after a meal, and food just isn’t an issue in my life. My family has commented on how much happier I am. And while I still get down on myself occasionally, I maintain a strong self-concept because of my loving relationship with God. And that’s permanent.

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