My way to shine

My sister and I started out together like two peas in a pod—peanut butter and jelly . . . milk and cereal. We shared a lot of the same friends, and often did a lot of activities together growing up. And it really is the same way today. But there was a time when all the camaraderie seemed to be missing.

Starting in middle school, I began to constantly compare myself with my sister. I saw how we were different, and I became jealous and insecure. Pretty soon, my sister, who’d been my close companion, seemed like my rival. I envied her relationships and accomplishments. Because of this, I often didn’t notice the good going on in my life.

Even though my sister was supportive of me and loved to talk with me, my jealousy went on for a while, until I had to come face-to-face with it during my sophomore year of high school.

After I arrived back home from summer camp, I found out my sister had been accepted to a boarding school. Because she was leaving home, I felt sad, but also resentful that she’d be leaving me to face challenges without her help.

Later that year, my family traveled to visit her dorm over one weekend. I heard praises about my sister’s amazing work in her theater production. Instead of feeling happy for her, I started withdrawing and began to feel that others’ respect of her talent didn’t allow any room for me to be valued. Simply being in her presence at school seemed to bring up all the feelings of jealousy that had been brewing over the months she’d been away.

The day after I watched my sister’s performance, I woke up with a sore throat. It was Easter Sunday, and after going to church with my family, I continued to feel physically uncomfortable and mentally anguished. As the day progressed, I found it very painful to speak. At one point I excused myself, headed off to be alone, and began to cry. Aside from feeling awful, I felt like my sister’s presence was a giant boulder, an obstruction to my happy future. That’s when I read these words, which someone had posted on the wall:

This was a complete wake-up call. The passage “the founts of love . . . will. . . seem parched and dried” made me realize that I was looking at my sister without love. If I continued to ignore the good going on in my own life, it might feel like my heart was breaking, and that I was “parched and dried.” I was trying to hog all the love at the fountain, which is ridiculous because love is not a possession, or something anyone can get rid of. Love comes from God, the infinite All. When I considered my sister as having more love than I had, I was viewing her as able to take away my love, or as having acquired a bigger package of love than I had. But love is not one person’s to begin with, so one individual can never rob another of her love.

My sister had heard me crying, and she and my mom began to comfort me. My mom reassured me that I could never be worth less than my sister. After I calmed down, I realized a major shift in my thinking had begun.

Later that day I decided to talk to a Christian Science practitioner because my throat was still feeling sore and I was still upset. Considering that jealousy had been a part of my experience for such a long time, I wasn’t really sure if healing was possible. But as the practitioner talked with me, my wall of defense and justification for the jealousy started to shatter even more.

When I poured out my feelings, the practitioner shared a beautiful but simple analogy. She asked me to consider a bird when it’s flying and gets stuck in a wind current. No matter how hard the bird beats its wings, it won’t make any progress. But all the bird has to do is open and extend its wings a little more, and it will be lifted above the current so it can soar. I realized then that my “wings” were my perception. I was stuck in the current of feeling that I was doomed to be a jealous sister. However, if I viewed my sister in a spiritual light—and also myself—I would be able to rise above the “current” of destructive thoughts. And I wanted to be soaring above those clouds of envy! I could see that a jealous mentality wasn’t a part of me after all.

After our conversation, the practitioner agreed to pray with me, and we hung up. Immediately I felt more at ease. And I didn’t even realize, until later that evening, that my sore throat had simply gone.

That night I stayed with my sister and her roommate in the dorm. For the first time ever, I was able to see how my sister and I differed but still got along, and how others could enjoy being around us because we balanced one another.

The following day I was still a little nervous about practicing what I’d learned, but I was coming to realize that jealousy wasn’t something that just took over my thoughts without my permission. It was nothing, and I didn’t have to be afraid. I’d been giving it power, but when I denied it entrance into my thinking, I was free. When I knew who I was and what I was worth—the idea that I had just as much to give to the world as my sister—the jealousy and negativity naturally lifted.

After that weekend, when people made comparisons between my sister and me, I interpreted them as entirely positive. If I was tempted to think of her in a negative way, I would confront the thought with the spiritual truth that she deserved to feel loved, and that her being loved couldn’t harm me.

I can honestly say I now feel a greater sense of connection and friendship with my sister. This doesn’t mean that we don’t get into squabbles, but I have never again turned back to that old way of thinking. I’ve started fresh. In turn, I also haven’t had to struggle so hard with jealousy of others. When I see someone else do a fantastic job on something, it reminds me that I can sparkle too!

Now I’m able to see my sister in a whole new light. I like to think of us as lights on a stage, complementing each other. If you’ve ever noticed the stage lights during a performance, they’re often composed of multiple colors—red, green, blue, violet. While they’re all different colors, when blended together, they create a much brighter, richer, warmer, and more welcoming light than any one of them alone. This was my way to shine: to complement, instead of to oppose or try to imitate my sister. With such a huge burden lifted off my shoulders, I felt free as a bird, and I still do.

Now my sister and I are back to being two peas in a pod. But it doesn’t just have to do with being in the same family. Because we’re connected through infinite Love, the bonds we share have a spiritual basis.

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